Article - Opening to Our Inner Wisdom by Salice Dawson
- going back home -
Salice Dawson's poems chronicle an inner journey of the last eight months of her life spanning 1994 to 1995. Most of the poems were written preceding the diagnosis of her breast cancer on December 8th, 1994.
Salice had always known an inner voice since childhood. She had never enquired who or what it was until I once asked her. Her answer from within was Jesus. Many of these poems are addressed to him.
I had observed that after we had moved from Findhorn in Scotland to Australia in 1994 Salice could not really find anything to focus on in life - nothing much excited her about this world. The early poems reflect this theme.
After the diagnosis of breast cancer she was at first undecided on what course of action to take. Orthodox medical practitioners were keen for a speedy intervention - chemotherapy, radiation and a mastectomy. Initially Salice was tempted but soon her inner guidance suggested that she should not follow that road.
From December to early May she remained active and comparatively well with little pain that was easily controlled. Shortly after entering hospital on May 14th she entered a coma and died peacefully on May 21st.
After Salice's death a friend of mine received a communication from her which I have placed at the end of these poems. Salice was a student of A Course in Miracles and I feel her poems can help and inspire others to recognise a greater perspective at these times of crisis.
RELEASING MY DREAM
I would let this world go,
Gently disappearing from my mind's grasp
Opening to something else
that I do not yet quite know.
But you are there to lead the way
And I would follow.
For what truly is there
but the Home you represent.
I would let this world go
My dreams of time ongoing
With endless goals yet to be reached.
The glitter of gold, the deep glow of rubies
The flash of diamonds in the sun.
All this and more would I release
To walk with you my Lord.
For you are the Light by
which I will find my way,
No more to stumble endlessly
In my dreams of darkness.
Let go, let go, the angel
cries as she beckons me onwards
Pointing the way with arms outstretched.
And so my Lord, I come to you at last.
24th September, 1994
The first poem I wrote, inspired by
a number of poems from The Gifts of God
by Helen Schucman, Foundation for Inner Peace
COME WITH ME
Let go, let go and come with me
Beyond your dreams so dear
The idols of the world you see
Can only lead to fear.
They will keep you
chained and forever caught
In the cavern of your mind
And thus you seek to shut me out
And know not you are blind.
Dear child you do not know you call
In such anguish from your heart
And I am ready waiting here
For never did I depart.
Always you will find me
Behind that veil so dim
Tis nothing you see to push it aside
And let me walk right in.
I see you reaching for another dream
To take away the pain.
I could give you a happy one
To lead you home again.
But no you say, disturb me not
For I would play some more.
All right my child I will watch you play
And await you by the door.
29th September, 1994
IN JUST A LITTLE WHILE
My mind wanders endlessly
Drifting across different worlds
So rapidly my Lord, you
cannot accompany me.
Can it really be true that
this is what I prefer?
To keep you so effectively
barred from my door?
Oh yes, I would keep you away,
You who would disturb my
peace and change my world.
You cannot enter here
where all is dark and hopeless.
I will not let you
I will not let you.
And yet you tarry there
near the door of my heart
So long has it been closed against you.
Do not enter here Lord,
please do not enter
For I am so afraid.
But you will stay there
will you not and wait for me?
Ah, you are so gentle, so accepting.
I will travel in peace now a little longer
And in a while, just a little while,
I will return.
Surely then, I will be ready
to open my door and let you enter.
Just a little while now, a very little while.
29th September, l994
Stealthily I creep along
Through the labyrinth of my mind.
Caution and darkness
Are the companions that I find.
An ancient wall so thick and high
Is the boundary of my world
And in this place I am safe and sound
And cannot be unfurled.
Again and again I find myself
Attracted to the wall.
Its nothing I can see or smell
But perhaps I hear a call.
Rapidly I melt once more
Into the darkness that I know
And go a healthy distance
Many leagues from that glow.
And here I am returned once more
Pulled towards this place.
What is it, what is it within me
It seems that I must face?
Could there be something beyond this wall
Some other world or life?
The blackness has given way to grey
And its changing now to light.
Why, what is this open space
All green and white and gold,
With water pure and trees so tall
And skies so wide and bold?
The grass is soft beneath my feet
I begin to feel disarmed.
Surely there is nothing here
That could possibly lead to harm.
A shining figure tall and gentle
Appears now by my side.
"I have been waiting for you"says he
"Come with me and bide."
"Oh no"I reply "it is beyond the wall
That I must go tonight."
"Ah, one day you will return to me
And no longer will you fight.
But as you go to your world of dreams
You carry the memory of this,
A place of peace and beauty soft
And you leave me with my kiss.
You will come again I know not when
But I await you here
And then my child, your wall will be gone
And no longer will you fear."
29th September, 1994
THE DESERT JOURNEY
I gaze across the desert sands
Which wend their way to
the edge of the sky
This land of nothingness
so vast and empty
Reflects the chambers of my heart so dry
What matters it which way I go
For my journey is
endless and surely doomed
Dear Lord I am spent
and no more can go on
Who can know the depth of my wound
A cloak of darkness prepares
the desert for sleep
The struggle for at least a night shall keep
From the ravages of heat
to the bitterness of cold
Some might call this stillness peace
The blackness of the night recedes
Sweeping from my gaze the fading stars
And so my friend you rise again
To taunt me once more
from your stance afar
The journey continues,
my search incomplete
And a breeze shyly approaches
to accompany me on
The sand is now soft and caresses my feet
I know now I'll reach my goal ere long
This road has taken me over many moons
But havoc I have managed
to wreak on my fears
They lay now before me in a pitiful heap
Was this what I struggled
for over the years?
Yes I am ready now to release them to you
Your hands are much
stronger than mine ever were
And will you can guide
me on my journey again
For I am peaceful and the way is sure.
30th September, 1994
TO SAI BABA
I found myself standing
midst a crazy world
A thousand directions around me.
Chaos and confusion reigned supreme
I knew not which way to go.
I had never reached such a place before,
I who was strong with always an answer.
How can it be that I no longer know?
My defences dissolved
and my heart exposed.
Oh terror, darkness and bleak desperation,
Are these to be my
Would going backwards
be preferable to this?
Ah no, that is darker than
where I am now.
And then you appeared on
the pavement beside me
Your eyes looking deeply into my own.
Time disappeared and the
world along with it
As you stood so silently in front of me.
No questions arose for
all answers were given
I knew your profound understanding.
My troubled mind opened
wide to your love
And I heard you say to me "Trust".
And then you were gone
and my world had returned
But never to be the same again,
For I see it anew as I
remember this moment
When love bridged the gap in my mind.
1st October, 1994
THE JOURNEY TOGETHER
I catch your eyes so wide and deep
And travel to a place beyond.
What peace and stillness all around
My heart is held in your tender embrace.
Dear love, this journey we are on
Leads to pathways strange and new.
Alone I would not travel here
But in each other the way is clear.
Great boulders rise along the path
Helping us to reach within
And what we find there makes me weep
In gratitude for gifts so pure.
Is that the Christ I see in you?
So gentle, soft and joyful.
A tender smile upon your face
Ah yes, tis here a resting place.
2nd October, 1994
This world I see so wide and full
Of experiences varied and endless.
Here I can stay and happily search
For treasures, things and possessions.
So much to discover on a thousand shores.
How I love being busy and involved
For it keeps my world
moving and rapidly so
And me out of mischief you see!
No thank you I don't
want a moment's respite,
Unless its a holiday by the sea.
For there I can sunbake, swim and walk
Collect shells and then have tea.
What's this about being quiet and still
And finding another way?
I haven't got any time for that
And its silly anyway.
I must be off, I'm in a rush
A thousand things to do.
Its all good fun to be on the run
With no time for me or you.
2nd October, 1994
The butterfly which crosses my path
In beauty ethereal and fragile.
How gently moves its delicate wings
And sweetly kisses the petals of a flower.
Oh my Lord, this is how you come to me
So softly treading near my trembling heart
Stroking my brow
with your love so tender
Accepting my fear with
your soothing words.
Yes I would gladly follow you.
May I slip my hand in yours?
And together we will gladly return
To our home with God and all mankind.
2nd October, 1994
PRAYER TO JESUS
Between us is a wall of fear
Erected by my choice.
My peace is gone and I despair
Of ever hearing your voice.
What can I do dear Lord of Love
To bring you back again
And feel your joyful presence
Instead of this wretched pain?
"Ah child you need do nothing"
I hear you clearly say.
"To struggle, strive and worry
That is not the way.
Just watch the fear and ask for help
For I am always near
And you will find it disappears
And again my voice you'll hear."
3rd October 1994
(This followed a prayer to Jesus around my fear about going to Tasmania as we drove to Dee Why).
GREAT OCEAN OF LIFE
The waves from the sea dance with delight
As they make their way to the shore
And quietly greet me as they reach my feet
And play on the sandy floor.
What freedom you have
to go where you will
And merge with other seas,
No struggle or trying
but a gentle acceptance
Whatever your mood may be.
I would learn from you great ocean of life,
Reaching so far and wide,
For in you is surely reflected
The yearnings of my mind.
The peace and joy, the beauty and truth
Of Heaven and perfection
For here the journey ends in love
In oneness and redemption.
3rd October, 1994
(As we sat on the rocks at Dee Why and
watched the waves race in).
THE PATH AHEAD
Dear Jesus we would
remember our Home in you
Our hearts yearn to join with your love.
We ask you to guide
us as we stumble along
On our journey home to God.
Please take our vision of inner peace
In all the forms we have planned,
And use it to shepherd us closer to you
For your wisdom is deeper than ours.
It flows directly from oneness with God
And this you finally remembered.
You wait so patiently as we dally around
Without judgement or demand.
We trip ourselves up
and cause long delays
As we spin our endless webs
And hastily strengthen our ego defences
To continue our worldly dance.
But time after time we remember to ask
For your presence and your voice
We let you come in so very carefully
As we make another choice.
One day 'ere long we will
join with each other
So deeply we'll forget separation
And there you will be
standing right beside us
In your glory and perfection.
3rd October 1994
(Whilst on the rocks at Dee Why Beach)
THE WAY HOME
These dark and brooding thoughts I have
Cannot change that which I am.
For I am one with my brother Jesus
And in us rests the fate of mankind.
For if I see my brothers healed
They then can lead me back to Heaven,
For with forgiveness and acceptance,
I too am healed and my way is clear.
4th October, 1994
Dear child I came in the instant
You descended to turmoil and fear,
And I remain with you
in all your journeying
Ever watchful over my creation.
For you are so very precious to me
My love for you knows no boundaries.
Your dreams and illusions are nothing
But the briefest diversion in time.
Your world will gently slip away
And time will end for it never began.
My love will be known
as we join once more.
You will rest in eternal peace and joy.
4th October, 1994
UNBURDENING MY HEART
Dear Jesus help me open
the door of my mind
So you can enter in.
And I will not need to ask for your help
As I will have already accepted it.
I will know what to do and where to go,
No decisions to agonise over.
Because of your presence in my mind
All I need do is open the door
My questions will then be answered.
And in all the turmoil and
uncertainty will know peace.
I would draw you into my darkened world,
And yet once I let you in
The darkness disappears and is no more.
Why do I procrastinate
and limit your love?
Ah yes, to retain my world and identity.
Strange to think I fear you so deeply
When I long to know your touch
In all its gentle beauty and bliss.
Help me in this tortured place
Where my mind wages constant battle
And I work so hard to keep you barred
From ever coming near.
One day dear Lord, I will mean what I ask
And all will be transformed
And then I will forget my past
And know my Father's love.
4th October, 1994
(As I prayed to Jesus,
I felt his presence and a
strong urge to write this down.
I felt deeply moved afterwards
as if a barrier had gone).
DISSOLVING THE BARRIERS
My ego defences are so strong and secure
Effectively barring the way
But no matter what I
do or how long I take,
You are there, waiting.
The smallest crack, the tiniest chink
Or hole in my walls
And your light will flow in.
What comfort that is and yet what terror.
Confusion reigns supreme.
Dear Jesus, look at this with me.
Such a mess and yet just silly you say.
And we smile together in pure delight.
And my desperation has gone,
Dissolved in your love.
4th October, 1994
I wander through this imagined existence
Believing I'm master at the helm.
My efforts to contrive, direct and control
Ensure I'm kept busy and involved.
How easy it is to get lost in these forms
That I am so expert in manifesting
And comforting to know
that despite what I do
Something wiser and higher leads me on.
I will forgive my constant meanderings
Allowing them to flow as they will
And gently watch as they pass
through my mind
Without judgement or worry unkind.
6th October, 1994
Listen for a moment, and as you pause
Allow the veils in front of your eyes
To slowly and easily drift apart.
You will hear an ancient song.
The melody will call deeply to your heart
And you will remember
a feeling so beautiful
It will leave you breathless
at its loveliness.
The glow of the moon upon the lake
Creates a pathway of peace and stillness
It leads me to another
place where I hesitate,
Poised on the edge of letting go.
Is this what I came for, to meet with you?
And yet, I cannot quite see you.
But you are here, for I feel your presence.
This is not where I normally reside
In my world of complexity and form
It is a place in between
all flowing and strange
I am fascinated and intrigued.
Part of me would fly quickly away
And yet I am held spellbound
in this moment
When I stopped and
remembered you my Lord.
7th October, 1994
Many years have passed
since I heeded your call
It was not a struggle to let go
Of the many rooms I had made.
Still, they were filled with
treasures I had collected
Along with the meanings
I had given them.
But I put these meanings aside
As you led me through endless tunnels
And along passages deep and dark.
When terror gripped my heart,
Your presence stopped me going back
And I knew that you were the way.
The gifts I found were more valuable
Than any I had acquired before.
My eyes began to open and
from deep within me
I knew of things I had long forgotten.
And then you asked me to return
And gladly did I acquiesce for
were you not the way?
But now fear strode brazenly in
Beating without mercy upon my breast.
My eyes which saw so clearly Lord
Have clouded. Where am I now?
I do not recognise this place.
But you would have me go on I know
And I stand before this boulder on my path
In the company of one who
can help me find the way.
You wait so patiently with
your steady gaze upon me
Your hand outstretched
to guide me once more.
I am coming my Lord,
I will no longer delay.
9th October, 1994.
Guide us Jesus in the way you know
It is best for us to come to you.
I would release the conditions
Which I would lay down, based on fear
And the illusions of my mind.
They will not serve but to obstruct
Your love and delay my meeting with you.
I would accept my fears reflected
In these ailments that wrack my body
With gentleness and patience
And ask you to help me see them anew
And discover the gifts they shroud.
You are the way home
And the world falls away in your presence.
Your gaze, as straight as an arrow in the air
Pierces my consciousness with swift clarity
And leaves me at a distance from where
I was before, in a place apart, of peace
And stillness remembered now.
My brother, I walk with you.
12th October, 1994
BEYOND THE SENSES
A curtain of darkness appeared to fall
Dimming my eyes forever.
I wove a dream in an endless tapestry
Extraordinary in its complexity.
And the wind whispered
of things long past
As it caressed the trees above.
Reaching to the sky in soft surrender
Yet holding to the earth so fast.
Is this how I reach for you Lord of life
One hand outstretched towards you,
And the other holding tightly to my dream
As tenaciously as the trees.
But deep within me I sense your call
And my thoughts of this world fall away.
I feel the radiance of your beauty and love
Touching the door of my heart.
For beyond this door is the vision I seek
No language can ever describe
But the journey to find you
need only be travelled
In the labyrinth of my mind.
For it is not my eyes that
will help me to see
Or to know your love so pure,
Nor straining my ears to hear your voice
For they are deaf to Heaven's plea.
Tis beyond my senses I will meet with you
And they gently fall away.
The fences I built are dissolved and gone
And peace has come at last.
13th October, 1994
The leaves on the trees sparkle
Framing a view of the valley so green.
The wind flows gently
caressing each branch
And the sky arks over this lovely scene.
The greens and golds of Spring run riot
And exotic perfumes pass lazily by.
The feathered creatures of so many hues
Are busily feeding their newborn life.
And in the twilight the day gives way
To a sky of flaming copper and gold.
The sun drops swiftly to its nightly abode
Revealing black velvet in endless folds.
The valley now flows like a deep dark pool
Touched by the light of countless stars.
Softly we sit in companionable silence
Grateful for the utter stillness and peace.
Dear Lord what an oasis this place has been
So freely given by our brothers in You.
Our hearts are open, replenished now.
We give thanks as we
gently close the door.
15th October, 1994
For Scott and Linda in thanks
From Salice and Michael
(They loaned us their house in Sydney when we first arrived in Australia)
I SEE DIFFERENTLY NOW
The stillness of the moment
hangs in the air
An unreality pervades.
My thoughts fly instantly to you my Lord
All else begins to fade.
A feeling of peace creeps into my mind
Yet I'm alert and watchful
As though you might
suddenly appear by my side
And fear would quickly invade.
For my thoughts of you
are ambivalent sweet Lord
You surely know this too.
I yearn for oneness and
the home of my Father
Yet remaining separate from you.
Dear Jesus I humbly ask for your help
For I have lost my peace.
I would quietly release my desire to control
And let my thinking cease.
I place my feverish mind in your hands
And the aching fades away.
Your soothing presence fulfills my needs
No more shall I delay.
Something has changed,
I see differently now
I wonder why I worried
Perhaps it was a ruse to keep you at bay
So I could play my games.
Oh Jesus my brother, I am tired of my way
Will you walk with me?
And teach me how to
remember my Source
That I may bide with thee.
My Father in Heaven awaits my return
Whose Oneness I never left.
I release my barriers long held against You
No more am I bereft.
16th October, 1994.
PLEA FROM JESUS
So strangely do you look upon me
Knowing not that I'm your friend
For in you child is the Kingdom of Heaven
A beginning that has no end.
I come to you each moment of the day
But rarely do you know me
You see suspicion in your brother's eyes
Instead of a friend in need.
Dear child put down your prickly veil
What is it you would defend?
A tiny piece of your illusory world
With its idols you willingly tend.
I stand before you with gifts so deep
That I would gladly give
Please give me your
burden and do not weep
For in your release I live.
16th October, 1994
(This came when I asked Jesus if he
would like to give me a poem)
LET THE ILLUSION DIE
You cling to your life of separation
Terrified to let it go
You think it would be a sacrifice
To return to your rightful home.
There is nothing that I could ask of you
That would deprive you of any needs.
Our Heavenly Father has given you life
Transcending all that you see.
For your body's eyes give you pictures
That do not reflect the truth
And your ears hear various messages
That result in your being duped.
But the Angel of God is forever ready
To help you see anew
He but waits upon your invitation
Ever patient and alert for you.
The peace and joy that await your return
Is beyond mere words to describe
And you will wonder why
you strayed so long
When your illusion gently dies.
16th October, 1994
THE RICHES WITHIN
Your world can never give what you seek
For you made it to block the path
That would lead you to eternal recognition
Of the oneness of heaven's hearth.
Please look within for riches untold
Of a completely different kind
And bliss and joy undreamed of there,
On your own you will never find.
I am here for you oh Son of God
Please join me on my quest
To gather all our brothers lost
And return to our Father's breast.
17th October, 1994
THE LONELY VIGIL
I sit alone, lost in ancient thoughts that drift across my mind.
I must hold onto my beliefs and dreams and preserve my world.
This is where my safety lies.
Here in what I know.
I will not think of other things
or ways I once embraced.
They could have taken me from myself.
I would have been lost
In some place unknown.
Alone without my anchors of safety.
No, no, they are not heavy
and they do not drag
Upon the windows of my mind.
I do not gaze longingly
At the other world.
My altar is here within these stone walls.
Yes it is true - along with fear.
But to step outside
Would expose me. And strip me bare. Who are you
Who taps at my door in the cold
silence of this lonely night?
Ah, your lantern blinds my eyes,
so used to the dark.
What is it you want of me?
To warm your hands
At the ashes of my heart? I have no warmth to give you stranger.
It died so very long ago.
There is nothing I can give now
Except a promise of a bleak dawn.
There was a time once
Long long ago, when hope was
with me still, that he
Who I walked with would return.
But hope has since died
And I am grown used to my fate.
He has not come back.
My eyes have adjusted
to the light you carry.
I can see you now.
You look familiar but I cannot place you.
Did I know you once?
Something is stirring within my breast. Why does my heart
Beat so rapidly? Is it that you have a message for me from him?
After all this time?
No, I cannot come with you.
I must guard the altar here.
But please come back again.
I feel nourished by your visit and a lessening of my pain.
18th October, 1994.
Stranger on the Road and Holy Saturday" from
The Gifts of God by Helen Schucman, Foundation for Inner Peace.
THE GLITTER OF GOLD
The money lies between us Lord
But you see, it helps me.
The money provides for me.
It gives me safety and security.
I can always depend on it.
I cannot depend on you
For I am not sure if you will come
Or even if you are there.
I know where I am with the money.
It is like a friend - as long as it is
Always there for me that is.
Yes, I know it could slip away
In the twinkling of an eye.
That is what worries me.
So I build my life around it
Looking after it, carefully tending it,
Lavishing my attention upon it.
So I do not really have time for you.
And the emptiness will disappear
As long as the money is here.
18th October, 1994.
THE WELCOME RAIN
I awoke to the sound of falling rain
And rose to watch this wonder.
The earth long parched
simply opened its heart
Accepting life without drama.
The bark of the trees sighed with delight
As the rain sank deeply in.
The leaves breathed again
as the dust slid away
And the roots expanded within.
Dear Lord I would open my heart to you
As freely as the earth
And allow your love to come streaming in
Inherent with new birth.
For I am crumpled, dry and parched
Without your light divine;
My life force drained and hope long gone,
Head bowed in weary time.
I raise my head and open my arms
As eagerly as the trees,
And gladly welcome you into my soul
As flowers welcome the bees.
And now I am nourished
by your presence so pure
What sweet relief and peace.
I go forth refreshed and restored anew
Flowing gently as the breeze.
20-21st October, 1994.
I do not need to search for you
On journeys long and grey
For you reside within my heart
Though carefully locked away.
Oh Jesus, can I trust enough,
To turn the key in its lock.
Rusty and stuck from years of neglect
Immovable as a rock.
But now I see the lock has gone
What did I do to win?
It must have dissolved the very moment
I chose to let you in.
21st October, 1994
CLOUDS OF DREAMS
There are endless dreams I spin each day
Each one trapped as if in a balloon,
Attached to my body by its cord
I carry this weight in my worldly cocoon.
They hang around me like little clouds
With colours golden, grey and black.
Each one significant and
quivering with life,
Clouds of relationships, money and power.
The constant demands of each little dream
Absorb my attention and concentration.
Like a pen with ink
resting on blotting paper,
My energy is drained with this situation.
I see you Jesus so shiny and clean
With nothing but pureness around you.
You move so easily, weightless and free
Unhampered by worldly
concerns or dreams.
Your tender gaze rests gently upon me
And the clouds begin to slowly move.
They peel away like a coat coming off.
In a pile on the floor they await the broom.
For your strength and truth
sweeps away all doubt.
I am overwhelmed by your love
Which shines with clarity
wherever you look.
I thank you Lord from my heart.
22-23rd October, 1994.
You travel with me outside your dreams
To your home that has never changed
You only believe you left it in haste
In truth you just fell asleep.
Ah child, if you could but reach for me
I would take you home again
For in me you will find the rest you crave
I have escaped to the stillness of the forest
Seeking sanctuary amongst
the silent sentinels
Only to find it crowded with my thoughts
That march amongst the trees
Shrieking for attention
Unwilling to let me go.
(Inspired by J Krishnamurti)
22nd Oct. 94
THE QUIET LOVE
Your quiet love steals gently across me
And I'm held in your warm embrace.
My world fades away into shades unreal
And by the powerful silence I am graced.
This place is quite foreign
to that which I know
But from here my world seems strange.
Haunted with symbols
and intricate patterns
Of extraordinary complexity and range.
The simplicity and
pureness of this other place
Leaves my mind becalmed and tranquil.
All needs and desires have withered away
And in your presence Lord, I am still.
27th October, 1994.
Oh Father, help your Son who is lost
And attached to worldly altars
That bring no happiness or peace.
Help me to draw on the great
Well of Knowledge within
That is the only constancy
In my ever-changing world.
I know my oneness with you
Comes from no religion or creed.
No learning here from idols I hold dear
Will bring you to me.
My knowing this is laced
With webs innumerable
That glint and die in the sun,
Only to renew themselves
In ever-changing colours and patterns.
Help me Father to let
these threads exquisite
Disentangle and gently wither away
To reveal the perfection I truly am.
Beyond all words,
That which is.
29th October, 1994.
CORRIDORS OF LIFE
I walk along the corridor
That takes me to my heart's desire
But on arrival there it is so empty.
What was it I was searching for?
Another endless journey on
That leads me to a
nowhere land of nothing.
What shall I do, where shall I go?
These roads of life beguile me not.
Can all enchantment be so very transient?
I know there must be something more
Or do I merely cling to this
To curb my weary journey to oblivion?
Is this another dream I'm in?
I do not recognise this place
Of gently parting mists
and forms exquisite.
The sky is streaked with rainbows bold
And angels cloaked in white and gold.
I must be at the threshold of eternity.
Two pools of light with depth profound
That cut so quickly to my core
My heart is kindled from
its dormant stupor.
Is that the eyes of you my Lord?
Gazing to my very soul
Through all my walls
of shame and guilt and secrets.
Your naked light, it strips me bare
The pain I feared, it is not there.
Your soft and gentle
presence is so soothing.
I breathe again from air so pure,
Accepted by your love so deep,
Dear Lord I thank you for my resurrection.
Inspired by the tune of
a Leonard Cohen song.
First verse 29th September
Second, third and half fourth verse
Rest of fourth and fifth verse,
8th Nov, 1994
Please Father, would You take my hand
And guide me Home
For I have forgotten the way.
I am tired of my games,
These plays I direct and act in.
I am realising that they do not serve me.
They only keep me from you.
Teach me how to forgive myself,
That I may see You clearly again
Through all my brothers around me.
They are the way I can return to You
If I can see beneath the projections
I have laid upon them.
I would know truth once more
8th November, 1994
Inspired from reading 'A Course in Miracles'
YOUR SON IS LOST
Help me Father
Your Son is lost
Finding himself in a
world which is not his home,
Not remembering his real home in You,
Not knowing how to return,
Recognising the futility
of what he has made.
This world is meaningless now
In all its innumerable pathways.
Time winds on interminably.
Experiences which once
inspired ecstatic rapture
And enthusiasm, have gone.
Even pain and fatigue
enthrall me no more.
My transient moods flit hither and thither.
Is this what I came for?
Oh Son of God, Son of God
This is not where I belong,
This is not who I am.
Take the veil Father from
these eyes so blind.
Help me to see clearly again,
To let go of my ceaseless fantasies
And my pitiable attempts
to keep you at bay.
Your son is spent, faltering in his dream.
I am ready Lord to accept your help
To use the images I believe in
To see in a different way,
Through your eyes Lord, not mine.
Guide me along these roads I have made
And reinterpret my distortions.
Teach me how to forgive my illusions,
That through forgiveness,
I may come to you
And know your gentle love
And peace at last.
12th November, 1994
TO SHEILA AND ALLAN IN APPRECIATION
The tranquillity of the early morning
Steals across our waking minds.
Utter stillness holds the trees suspended,
Like sentinels they stand,
The brilliant blue of a tiny wren
Boldly flashes in the morning sun.
Attempting to charm a possible mate,
In courtship, it dances its intricate steps.
A bird unknown soars gracefully above,
Gliding so freely on currents unseen.
Its voice rings out with exquisite purity
Bringing instant peace
and joy to our hearts.
The cock now proudly
announces his presence
Reminding us of times gone by.
How supported we feel
in this peaceful place,
So welcome and encouraged
at this point on our path.
We are moving in darkness,
unsure of the way,
Your openness and caring
are beacons of light,
Teaching us lessons in
acceptance and trust.
Thank you dear friends,
our hearts are touched.
With love - Salice and Michael
1st December, 1994
(We stayed at their home when we first went to Tasmania)
CLOAKS OF DARKNESS
I know not the way Father
and I grope in darkness,
Blinded by dreams of
loneliness and despair.
The moment I awake from
my dream of sleep
My thoughts run
ceaselessly blocking you out.
As I move through my day,
I choose different cloaks
And beneath them I hide,
shielded from truth.
There are cloaks of wealth,
business and stealth,
Grandness, misery, power and beauty.
I would still my mind
from its endless activity,
Every mood, emotion,
feeling and thought.
I plead for your presence,
yearning for your touch
Yet the chinks in my armour
are pitifully small.
But when I release them,
the cloaks fade away
And I feel your presence
unfettered and clear.
Your purity and strength
dawns gently in my mind
And for a moment, I
accept your peace sublime.
7th December, l994
(The day before going into hospital for the breast biopsy which confirmed the presence of cancer)
Disease in my body
Despair in my mind
Fear simmers patiently
ready to strike.
The payoffs dawn rapidly
In my distorted mind
Punishment for all
As I slowly die.
Did I really choose this
To keep the light from my eyes
And you at a distance
Banished for life?
Oh yes it is true
And just what I want
For you abandoned me
And I'll never forgive that.
How dared you leave me
To cope alone
I'll make you suffer
until you atone.
And yet I would
Invite you in again.
Will you teach me to forgive
And come Home again?
For I am not happy
With this line of attack.
It doesn't serve me
And seems silly in fact.
I long to let go
To your healing light.
Please guide me Lord
And reinterpret my plight.
26th December 1994 Verses 1-4
2nd January Verses 1995 5-8
BUBBLES OF LIGHT
Dear Jesus I feel your loving light
As a gentle wave moving
slowly through me
Steadily cleansing and
transforming my mind
And filling my heart
with your love sublime.
Bubbles of light rest vibrant on my breast
Each one a messenger to wayward parts.
Joyfully down the pathways
of my body they wind
Accepting with compassion
the darkness they find.
These images reflect an acceptance of you
Seen in my body but felt in my mind.
Tis you I would choose to guide me anew
To teach me forgiveness
and another view.
The visitor I feel within my breast
Is merely a teacher and I am blessed
For the chance to reach
more deeply within
To your healing presence
and love supreme.
29th December, l994
(After seeing the bubbles
of light from Jesus)
I would open to the warmth
of your love dear friend
You who I have known through
ages long gone by.
I have forgotten you see,
of our deep connection
So filled my mind has
been with other dreams.
And now I stumble badly
and am lost in a maze.
I spun it myself but I forgot I was doing it.
I have become hopelessly lost and entangled in its pathways.
I know I cannot find my way
out without your help.
My guilt and fear surround me
like the walls of a prison
Effectively blocking you out
as the clouds do the sun.
Dear friend, help me to see
how silly are my dreams
To let them gracefully go and
walk with you in the sun.
In joy and peace would I
accompany you to Heaven's Hearth.
11th January 1995
(Following an evening meditation
as I began to pray to Jesus)
The hills surround the sea so blue
Shimmering softly in a silken cocoon
Tiny waves appear lazily to meet,
Caress and softly greet our feet.
We gently talk of things long past
Opening ourselves and sharing our hearts.
Forgiveness and understanding unfolds
A closeness develops from a place unknown.
The pain of illness takes us deeper now
Cutting through barriers
that once were profound
and it may seem strange,
but healing takes place
Through this process of
grief, to a place of grace.
Thank you Rebecca for this time of peace
And for bringing me here
to Sofia's Retreat,
For your care and attention,
for being and hearing
It has helped me move to a
place of new meaning.
11th February, 1995 Bruny Island
My dearest Michael
Love of my life
Your eyes so deep
Touching my soul.
Your gaze is accepting
Intense and wide
Creating a stillness
Beyond my mind.
The moment is timeless
Our dream suspended
Such peace dear friend
Here healing lies.
11th February, 1995
MY TIMELESS FRIEND
Dear friend from ages long gone by
I feel your presence closely nigh
When I stop and listen, stillness falls
Like soothing rain to my mind it calls.
You flow around me like
a soft white cloud
With no restrictions as I move around
But as with a cloud, you fade away
As my mind wanders
to its dreams each day.
But I remember you more frequently now
As my screens and defences
are lowered down
I reach for your love and peace divine
And healing takes place
in my troubled mind.
Thank you Jesus my timeless friend
For your constant support
and love without end
For your lack of judgement
and depth so pure
I am held in your light for evermore.
13th April, 1995
Salice's body died on May 21st, 1995
Shortly after Salice died I rang a friend in Scotland to tell her the news. The following day I received an email message from her, the first part of which I have reproduced below. The message came as a blessing and helped me to put the last months of Salice's life in context. Since the death of her body she has communicated with many friends and has helped me in many ways.
I meditated after our phone call and when I asked to link with Sal, the whole room filled with a burnt incense smell. Very strong! She said:
"Michael is fine. He really is. Just help him get his life started again. Back on track. Travel with him now and then. I am wonderfully free and glad of it. He is right. I'd finished before we left Findhorn. Not really interested deep down in beginning new projects. I just was ready to go home. Community was my last big lesson. Loving Michael was icing on the cake. Cancer was necessary to leave. Very perfect really."
Article - Opening to Our Inner Wisdom by Salice Dawson